The Irish and the Mormon on an Airplane
sent by Mike of New York, NY

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savaged by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Oh No!!! Not another Long Set of Real Airline Humor!
sent by Glen of Coral Springs, Florida

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and "announcements" a bit more entertaining. You must have seen the first version of this set. Now enjoy the second set. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245, (SouthWest has no assigned seating. You just sit where you want.) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people! We're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. The flight purser over the PA system: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember - nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines!"

3. From the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

5. From a Southwest Airlines cabin crew: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa! To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

6. Remember that safety demo while the plane waits for its turn down the runway: "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming! Grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite!"

7. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So, listen up."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore, and take them with our compliments."

9. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. And if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em!"

10. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

11. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business, as much as we enjoyed 'taking you for a ride'!"

12. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck! everything has shifted."

13. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump! And I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas. On a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo! Please remain in your seats, with your seat belts fastened, while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated, as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight, he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard! The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smiled, and gave them a "Thanks- for-flying-our-airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off, except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared, and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door, and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking."

"Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax . . .(then the Captain blurted) OH, MY GOSH!"

Next ... dead silence.

Long silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing! You should see the back of mine."

Raoulisms
Raoul's mini-blog

Florida

What was supposed to be a short vacation for me when I went to Orlando, Florida turned into a business trip after all. Since my wife, Jackie, was going to a conference and there were lectures about marketing, I decided to sign up. And boy, did I learn a thing or two about the characteristics of seniors, baby boomers and the Health Care industry. I thought it was perfect timing since I have a few emerging clients whose clientele fall in that group. I can't wait to sit down with my people and brainstorm our next marketing campaign.

Florida is hot and humid. I didn't get to tour as much as I would have wanted but Jackie and I were able to take a stroll through Downtown Disney. When I was a kid, I had always dreamed of going here. It's sad that I've outgrown the excitement but at least I still enjoyed it because I spent the time with my "honey."

FEEDBACK

Here are some of the more interesting comments:

From Ed of Los Angeles: Thanks so much. What an inspiring video of the Hoyt Father/Son team. You made my day. Enjoy Florida with Jackie!!

From Sarah of Los Angeles, CA: Okay. I'm living the first joke, laughed out loud at the Notre Dame one, was going to have to kill you with the first video, but you're forgiven because the Father and Son touched my heart deeply. Thanks!!!

From Hannah of Monrovia, CA: You should have warned people about the "Jingle Video". I jumped out of my skin. So it was good to see the next video about the Father and Son. I cried when I saw them tandem biking. My husband & I just got a tandem bike--but I thought it doesn't compare to this father and son's enjoyment of each other.

From Lori of Pasadena: Hi there, I love the Friday jokes! ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS IN GERMANY FOR 2 YEARS. I felt as if I were still near home.

Dean of Vancouver, B.C. sent me an email : "Somebody emailed me this and it sure reminds of your drawings ... it's not yours, is it?"

Raoul's Response:

Actually, it IS my drawing. This is the second time this particular cartoon traveled through the email jungle and found its way back to me. The first time this happened, Dading of Washington, D.C. sent it from her circle of friends. Here's the link to the original email I sent out back in May 12, 2006. I don't think the video links on that page work anymore. One of these days I will put back all the old jokes ... one of these days ... yeah right!

This week I also want to thank Dean especially because he asked several of his friends to sign up for Raoul's TGIF Joke. Welcome to the whole bunch of our Canadian friends! I hope you guys enjoy the "ride."

TGIF people!

Send us your comments.