Dieting

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

Bird Flu vs. Swine Flu

The Farmer and the Lawyer

A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Western Idaho. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.

Annual Physical

After the ninety-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said "You are in fine shape for you age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"

Lecture

Ron Chester, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Sounds Familiar?

Detectives are looking at evidence of a crime scene. A surfer's knee is bleeding badly.

How Men Think

As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears….
"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.

Airhead Detectives

A policeman was interrogating 3 airheads who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first airhead a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

Crazy vs. Stupid

A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to the Mental Hospital. He discovered a flat tire when he was about to leave. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tire off. When he was about to replace the flat tire with the spare tire, he accidentally dropped all the nuts into a storm drain.

Atheist in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!' He said to himself.

Stand Up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

Works Everytime

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end.

The Perfect Woman

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Vulner-Ability

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

Golf Death

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

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