Before anything else I’d like you to know that I really enjoy this conversation. You have a good way of reasoning. You can’t really read emotions in emails so, just to let you know, I am not mad or anything like that. Quite the opposite, actually. In fact, I think we agree in many points.

I was especially curious about the Royal Commission. Never heard of that. At the outset, it sounds like a great idea. At the very least, to bring awareness to FV is definitely good. I hope it doesn’t turn into an abuse of power like some of the horror stories here in the US with the social services where parents were accused and manipulated by their kids.

I didn’t mean any harm when I asked “what do we do with the woman.” I patterned my words to “How do you solve a problem like Maria” in the Sound of Music. But maybe it was a poor choice of words. I would NEVER do anything physically hurtful to a woman and I would never encourage that.

I shared your thoughts with Heather, my 77 year old friend, and she said the heart of the problem is the media and Hollywood. Violence is what they feed us. Violence is what pays the bill in entertainment. And yet these hypocrites are clueless why Big Shots like Harvey Weinstein behave the way they do. My friend also says the reason for this popular theme is because men produce the majority of films.

You’re right, there needs to be a change of attitude. To condone these acts makes us equally guilty. So far, I think we are in the same page. I think the big question is the choice of the video. Is it funny? You definitely have a point. My question is: Why stop there? Why not stop spreading jokes about stupid husbands (like Homer Simpson), stupid wives, spouses putting each other down, stupid children, stupid Irish, Polish jokes, dumb blondes, racial innuendos, your Mama jokes, Jokes about growing old? Two big ones — political and religious jokes … those definitely hurt someone yet we hear a lot of them. As you can see, in many “jokes” there usually is a “fall guy.” Are we too sensitive about things? Are we not sensitive enough? I think this is the real question.

When the fanatics of Islam shout death towards infidels like Salman Rushdie, aren’t they being overly sensitive? And yet, I’m sure, the Muslims say unprovoked negative things about the infidels in their own published journals. It’s quite a contrast with Jews and Christians who can find humor in a lot of their traditions. Maybe some of them go a little too far … sacrilegious even.

In the Philippines, there are die-hard Frank Sinatra fans who go to Karoke bars to compete on who sounds the closest to their idol. Believe it or not, fistfights ensued because some people sang so bad and the others felt they “desecrated” Sinatra. Talk about sensitivities!

A long time ago, someone complained that my joke about spouses was a poor choice. She has since lightened up. I’m not saying this is correct. All I’m saying is, it happens. The same thing happened to a friend who didn’t like Old people jokes (because she was getting old) but she enjoys them now. I think she realized we are laughing with them and not at them … we are laughing at ourselves.

I am genuinely interested in what you think. Because I don’t know if I have an answer.

Hi Raoul,
Family Violence is and has been an ongoing concern and in 2016 a Royal Commission was set up to investigate. I just googled exactly with what they were tasked to do:

prevent family violence

improve early intervention so as to identify and protect those at risk

support victims—particularly women and children—and address the impacts of violence on them

make perpetrators accountable

develop and refine systemic responses to family violence—including in the legal system and by police, corrections, child protection, legal and family violence support services

better coordinate community and government responses to family violence

evaluate and measure the success of strategies, frameworks, policies, programs and services introduced to put a stop family violence.

The Commission was asked to make practical recommendations to achieve these outcomes.

So I guess in answer to one of your questions, yes, Family Violence is a problem in Australia. The commission was set up after a particularly horrifying attack on a 12 year old boy who died at the hands of his father. His father was a perpetrator of FV towards his mother prior to the boy’s death.

No, it’s not alcohol.
No, it’s not just in the poor and uneducated sectors of society.
In fact, our new Enterprise Bargaining Agreement for the Department of Education now provides leave for people experiencing FV (family violence) at the discretion of the department.

I don’t think Australia is unique in this situation. There have been 34 violent deaths of women this year with over 90% of the suspects being their intimate or ex-intimate partners. Yes, men are being killed as well, and probably at a higher rate than women, but they are not being killed by their intimate partners or ex-partners. I guess that’s why we have to change the way that we view violence towards intimate partners, be they male, female, straight, gay or whatever else.

To answer some of your other questions:

Since you feel strongly about gender violence, where would you draw the
line in terms of violence? Is there any situation where it should be
allowed? Would self-defense be considered violence?

If a person is in an abusive relationship and they perpetrate violence back towards their abuser they are more likely to get a lenient sentence and while I don’t condone violence either, this is certainly self-defence.

How about war?

How about it? It’s certainly violence. Do I condone it? To what end? To prevent further violence, or to meddle in other countries foreign affairs because we don’t agree with their views? War isn’t really about gender violence though is it?

How about demonstrations that provoke people to violence?

Well I don’t condone that. A peaceful demonstration says a lot about the people who are demonstrating but probably even more about the people who are responding violently to them. How does violence fix or solve anything here??

If the taunting result into violence who is at fault?

Both parties are obviously in the wrong but no way can ‘taunting’ measure up to ‘violence’ towards someone else.

What should a hen-pecked husband do to a nagging wife? Walk away?

He shouldn’t ‘do’ anything to her. Your language says a lot about your values already Raoul. What does he do ‘about’ her? may be a better way to express what you’re trying to say. If he is in an abusive relationship then he needs the same support as other victims of Family Violence. Walk away sounds like a great option, but it’s been proven time and time again that it’s usually just not a viable option. I guess he could walk away, if he’s not feeling physically threatened and isn’t being financially abused.

I know of a boxer who has a nagging wife. Her nagging has turned this
powerful man into a wimp. His self esteem is so low that he is unable to
get a job. He is afraid to take risks. She wants him to be a man but her
nagging is counter productive. And I think she secretly enjoys having
power over him as she never encourages him … no positive feedback. She
actually tells him she is “up here while you are down there” — she
needs to push him down to lift herself up and she’s not going to let
that change.

And that right there is an emotionally abusive relationship. I don’t know about supports in America but there are more and more supports becoming available in Australia, from website and phone counselling to access to that leave from work that I was talking about earlier.

Gender violence is not OK but perhaps we should go to the root of the
problem. I’m not sure yet what that is but I think protecting one party
is just a surface issue which could lead to other problems.

Which party are we protecting? I’m talking about educating. The root of the problem is the societal lack of respect that is often inadvertently shown towards women. Such as you thinking that the video you put up is ok, or even funny.
The topics that we cover in our Respectful Relationships curriculum from Prep right through to Year 12 (which has been rolled out in response to the royal commission) are emotional literacy, personal strengths, positive coping, problem solving, stress management, hep-seeking behaviour, gender and identity and positive gender relations. The idea being that if we can teach our young that FV is not ok and is not the norm then we help to set the course for the next generation.

Anyway, rant over. I hope I’ve been able to shed some light from a female Australian’s perspective.

Cheers, ER from Australia

I apologize for spreading that video, ER. It must have hit a cord.

It’s true, our generation has a lot to change in our habits. Is this a
big problem in Australia? Do men mistreat women a lot? Is it alcohol? I
know this is true in some sectors of America. I see it in mostly poor,
uneducated families.

I certainly do not condone unnecessary violence of any kind.

Since you feel strongly about gender violence, where would you draw the
line in terms of violence? Is there any situation where it should be
allowed? Would self-defense be considered violence? How about war? How
about demonstrations that provoke people to violence? If the taunting
result into violence who is at fault? What should a hen-pecked husband
do to a nagging wife? Walk away?

I know of an athlete who has a nagging wife. Her nagging has turned this
powerful man into a wimp. His self esteem is so low that he is unable to
function. He is afraid to take risks. She wants him to be a man but her
nagging is counter productive. And I think she secretly enjoys having
power over him as she never encourages him … no positive feedback. She
needs to push him down to lift herself up and she’s not going to let
that change.

Gender violence is not OK but perhaps we should go to the root of the
problem. I’m not sure yet what that is but I think protecting one party
is just a surface issue which could lead to other problems.

What do you think?

I am a teacher and one of the core understandings we are now trying to teach explicitly is the problem with accepting gender based violence. To laugh at the clip you have chosen to include perpetuates the idea that it’s ok to kill women, especially if they are ‘nagging’.

Your ‘How to get rid of nagging wife’ clip in the latest TGIF condones, and makes it permissible to laugh at a man who wants his wife dead.

Don’t know what you want your young people to learn from your generation’s mistakes, but I hope it’s not that it’s ok to accept violence against women…..in any form.

Regards,

ER of Australia

The nagging wife video was funny and predictable. Try and keep cool in this insane heat!Take care brother,

Rick

Betty of Australia

Tom

I was fascinated with the story about the Great Pyramid. I hope all the numbers the guy was quoting are all true. Thanks.

Choy of Quezon City