Funny Guys

Gary Lising was a Filipino comedian — the Rodney Dangerfield of the Philippines. What he lacked in beauty he certainly made up with his fertile wit. Someone shared a story about Gary this morning that really made me laugh. It wiped some of my stress away. So I dug up some of his jokes which I share with you today. Hopefully, the punch lines don’t get lost in the translation.

Gary said he wished he would die peacefully in his sleep just like his grandfather … who fell asleep behind the wheel and not like the passengers of the bus.

When it was time to introduce the keynote speaker, Gary walked up to the podium and introduced the [simple-minded] president and said, “President Estrada is a man who does not know the meaning of the word fear. He does not know the meaning of the word corruption. He does not know the meaning of the word dishonesty. There are many words he does not know the meaning of.”

Gary is proud of his very Catholic upbringing: “I’m very close to the Cardinal,” he said. “Even as a boy, the Cardinal was very religious because of the influence of his father … who was also a priest.”

“I feel fulfilled when I see my son,” Gary confides. “He’s very handsome. He looks like my driver.”

“I’ve been married for years and I’m still in love with the same girl. My wife will kill me if she finds out.”

“My wife has a Supreme Court figure – no appeal.”

Gary’s Definitions:

Conversation: Conversation is when three women stand on the corner talking. Gossip is when one of them leaves.

Cosmetics: Cosmetics are a woman’s means of keeping men from reading between the lines.

Courtship: I like her because she doesn’t “No” much.

Gold diggers: Some girls will only go out with a man who is tall, dark and has some.

Showgirl: More show than girl.

Stingy: He orders asparagus and leaves the waiter the tips.

Ugly: With a face like mine, I could sue my parents for damages.

Thank God for funny guys like Gary. They certainly color our world.

TGIF people!

Raoul

Joke of the Week

Thanks to Peter Paul of South Pasadena, CA for sharing this joke.

Don’s Puns

Sent by Don of Kelowna, B.C.

VIDEO: Pinoy’s Got Talent

Thanks to Art of Sierra Madre, CA for sharing this video of Marcelito Pomoy’s unusual audition. This guy’s been going around the entertainment circuit. He’s pretty popular.

VIDEO: Beach Ball

Thanks to Tony of Southern CA for sharing this short and funny clip.

Parting Shots

Thanks to Naomi of North Hollywood who shared this:

The post Difficult Name appeared first on Traveling Archive.

It’s a NOTHING day! The sun never came out today. That’s quite unusual here in California. No one really spent any time outside because it drizzled all day. People went about their regularly scheduled meetings but essentially, NOTHING major happened. It was a NOTHING day.

What if NOTHING happened in the world one day? Imagine what the Prime Time Network News would sound like:

“Good evening, this is your 9 o’clock news. NOTHING happened at the Capital today … Hmmm … let’s go to our field reporter, Lois Blain, at the downtown Police Station. Lois?”

“Good evening Barry. Apparently NOTHING happened today so back to you.”

“Okay! We’ve just checked will all our other reporters and across the board, everyone agrees it was a NOTHING day! Everything’s safe and peaceful. This is Barry Cronkite signing off! Good night! Sleep tight. NOTHING to fear! NOTHING expected. NOTHING to be excited about. Today was a NOTHING Day.”

No hype. No silly commentaries. NOTHING news! How weird would that be?  Actually, how wonderful would that be?

We’re constantly bombarded by violence, scandals and other depressing news. There’s a lot more good news than bad. But it’s the bad that make the headlines. Did you know that it’s just a handful of people in the news department who determine what deserves coverage in the news? It’s their job to make the news interesting. They conjure up the hype. After all, who would watch the show if there wasn’t NOTHING to share? That’s why they have news fillers (which are not time sensitive) stashed away in case they run out of exciting news.

Knowing this fabricated hype, why do you want to be suckered into believing that things are in chaos every day? There is always the bright side. A day when NOTHING happens? That’s really good news!

Here’s my gift to you. Click on the image below and download the picture. You can print it out on a regular 8.5″ x 11″ bond paper. Whenever you feel down, look at this picture and remember, the days when NOTHING happened. God has been, God is, and God will always be — in control.

But this is just me.

“It’s all about finding the calm in the chaos.”
— Donna Karan

TGIF people!

Airhead Detective Exam

Contributed by Tom of Pasadena, CA
(From the TGIF vault)

A policeman was interrogating 3 airheads who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first airhead a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first airhead answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture shows his PROFILE.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second airhead and asks her, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second airhead giggles, flips her hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it’s a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third airhead and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

He quickly adds “…think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The airhead looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “Hmmmm…the suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer…wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the airhead replied. “He CAN’T WEAR regular glasses because HE ONLY HAS ONE EAR and ONE EYE!”

TGIF Videos

Babies Taste Lemon for the First Time
Sent by Leo of the Philippines

You can really taste that lemon when you see their faces. Even now as I type this there’s a tingling from my mouth to my heart. Weird!

Watch Video

Malawi Comedian in Britain
Sent by Peter Paul of South Pasadena, CA

Politically Incorrect but who cares? If anyone else delivered these jokes, it wouldn’t be funny. This immigrant can find humor in subjects that would infuriate others.

Watch Video

Parting Shot

Thanks to Dom of Kelowna, B.C. who shared this photo

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