Travels With Grammar

Grandma Lois has been writing short stories for as long as she can remember.  She also wrote a children’s book, Tom the Mouse, a story that has been passed on through the generations of her family.  She is grandmother to six grandchildren and ten great grandchildren. She loves traveling with all of them.

I am pretty good at editing, one of the few things I think I do well.  I believe it’s a gift, but it can also be a curse. When I read a book, like it or not, I read it with an editorial eye, picking out every grammatical or punctuation error or poorly worded sentence.  I sometimes even mark up the book with my corrections.

I get perturbed when I see poor English usage in books, magazines,  newspapers, and television news programs because these writers are supposed to be experts.  I’m also pleasantly surprised when they get it right – especially when it’s an inaccuracy that has gained traction. An example is the tendency for most people to use “I” as an object instead of “me.” When a newscaster says, for example, “Please join Pam and I tomorrow,” I’m disappointed but not surprised; however, when he says the correct “Please join Pam and me tomorrow,” I’m surprised and delighted. If people would just say the sentence to themselves without the other person’s name, they’d realize that they need to say “me” instead of “I.”

When I’m asked “Can I help you,” I feel like answering, “I don’t know; are you physically capable of helping me?” I should be asked instead “May I help you?” meaning “Do I have your permission to help you?”  Then the salesperson might say “If you need me, I’ll be right over there.”  Again, my smart aleck mind wants to say, “And if I don’t need you, where will you be?” I admit that these thoughts go a bit overboard, but I tell you to show how my obsessive editorializing mind works.

A thing can’t be “very unique” because “unique” means “one of a kind.”  I also question “very excellent.”

I really believe that people are trying to sound scholarly when they say they are “feeling badly” rather than the correct “feeling bad.”  The only way you can feel badly is if you’re feeling an object and your fingers aren’t working properly.

I don’t know whether I’m offended or just feel sorry for people who mispronounce words.  First, I’m reminded of a friend who recently was telling me that she felt the same, stating that she becomes annoyed over the “mispronounciation” of words, not realizing that she herself was guilty of mispronouncing the word “mispronunciation.”  One of the most common mispronounced words is “nuclear.” Another is “pundit,” with people saying “pundunt.” Although a man may be prostrate when he has an examination, it’s not his prostrate that’s checked, it’s his prostate. A point that is not relevant is a moot point – not a mute point, which I guess would be a quiet point. The word “zoology” is pronounced “zo-ology”; in order to be “zoo-ology,” there would need to be four “o’s.” Speaking of “o’s,” although it’s incorrect to use the letter “o” for the number “zero,” I think people can be forgiven for making the substitution in the interest of brevity.

The tendency these days seems to be that the phrase “you’re welcome” is non-existent.  When you thank someone, the response will usually be “no problem.” When I thanked my great granddaughter the other day, she replied, “Of course.” Instead of being annoyed that she hadn’t used the obligatory “you’re welcome,” I thought it was kind of sweet – I don’t know whether it was because it really was sweet or because my great granddaughter is sweet.

Have you ever heard someone say that he or she is anxious to do something pleasant, e.g., “I’m anxious to go to Disneyland”?  Because “anxious” means “fearfully awaiting,” that would suggest that the person is expressing fear at the Disneyland prospect, which probably isn’t so – unless perhaps scary roller coasters are involved. Actually, the person is eager: ”I’m anxious about the upcoming weather because I’m eager to go to Disneyland.”

I’d like to discuss placement of the word “only.”  Many tend to put the word in the wrong place. An example would be “I only have one dollar,” which would suggest that the only possession I have is a dollar.  If I’m talking about the amount of money I have, what should have been said is “I have only one dollar.” Another example would be “I only delivered three packages.” That suggests that delivering three packages is the only thing I did. “I delivered only three packages” conveys the intended meaning.

When being trained, it seems that the number one rule taught to medical receptionists, salespeople, and wait staffs is to be sure to use the word “perfect” as many times as they can. “What is your zip code?” “97495.” “Perfect.” “Does your phone number end in 3977?” “Yes.” “Perfect.” “Did you get everything you needed today?” “Yes.” “Perfect.” “Would you like fries with that?” “No, thank you,” “Perfect.” Instead of being annoyed, I guess I should be thrilled to be so perfect. Oh, I forgot to mention, the pronunciation is usually “PURRR-fect.”

Speaking about wait staffs, some people get extremely irritated to be considered guys – “What can I get you guys?” I don’t mind it too much, probably because at my age it’s nice to be given a name usually reserved for young people.

My husband officiated basketball games. I recall that he would call flagrant fouls, meaning fouls that needn’t have been committed.  That’s the way I feel about the use of the words “they/them,” and “him/her.” Grammar aside, in my opinion, some of the errors made are mathematically incorrect.  I read in an advice column “Discuss this with an attorney and enlist their help.” I think that “their” shouldn’t refer to one attorney.  If the advice had said “Discuss this with attorneys and enlist their help,” that would have been mathematically correct, in my opinion. When I was in school, the proper format would be “Discuss this with an attorney and enlist his or her help.” In today’s climate, “his or her” can’t be used because it doesn’t include the people who claim to be neither. “They” has a completely different meaning, with sometimes being the preferred pronoun. There are so many pronouns floating around today that I guess writers solve the problem by using only they/their. I have even seen examples so flagrant that people use “their” when they know whether it refers to a male or female.  I read “My son’s backpack was left in their locker.” You know your son is a boy, so why not say “ . . . left it in his locker”?  Here’s another flagrant example. A woman wrote to an advice column that her husband was dragging his feet regarding legal matters.  The response read “If your spouse refuses to make arrangements for their possessions and directives concerning their health and demise, you may not be able to change their minds.” So, in addition to using “their” instead of “his” when talking about a husband, the columnist got so carried away with all of the “theirs” that she forgot she was dealing with one husband and made “minds” plural. I realize that the time has come when I need to accept wrong pronoun usages, but I reserve the right to grit my teeth while doing it.

It bothers me when I read about 2,000 troops being sent to a city, not only because it’s stupid to send soldiers or National Guard personnel to cities where they’re not wanted or needed, but because I don’t like using the word “troop” to mean one person.  My son belonged to a Boy Scout troop and my daughters belonged to Girl Scout troops. Each of them wasn’t a troop. I looked up the word and the definition was “A group of soldiers.”

When I don’t feel well, I may take my temperature by using a thermometer.  Invariably, someone will ask “Do you have a temperature?” Of course I have a temperature. I always do. What you mean to ask is whether I have a fever. Everyone always has a temperature – well, maybe dead people don’t, but come to think of it, I guess even they do.

END OF PART 1

Coming up: Part 2 will discuss the words like, good, whom, lay, and others, and how they are used incorrectly.