Don't let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket.

Honey, do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing you?

I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.

Dear God, my prayer for 2021 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as she asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

If you see a fat man... Who's jolly and cute, wearing a beard and a red flannel suit, and if he is chuckling and laughing away, while flying around in a miniature sleigh with eight tiny reindeer to pull him along...

My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees because she found it annoying. At first I thought she was kidding.

Everyone at the John Lennon International Airport has been quarantined.

This will be short. I need to get back to our movie.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.