Major Accident

Raoul’s Two Cents: April 17, 2026

The Joys of Colonoscopy

If you don’t want to ponder, move on to the Jokes.

Hoo Hah! I just had my insides probed by a staff of three. It was supposed to start at 3:30pm but it actually began 2 hours later. As soon as I get back in shape I’m going to chasten the scheduler in the gastroenterology department. I didn’t want to say anything before the procedure otherwise I would have been at the mercy of those guys. That’s one of the things I realized as I waited in that lonely cubicle: I felt so helpless. There I was lying in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out and prepped up for the operation, naked underneath the flimsy hospital gown. My biggest concern: what to do if there was a 9.5 earthquake or a fire alarm sounded or Godzilla were to attack — I would have to had run out butt naked and then interviewed by a CNN reporter.

I wondered how different things would have been if I were someone important like Elon Musk. I bet he’d go through the whole waiting and probing procedure in half an hour. But even he probably would have had to drink all that nauseating concoction to clear his intestines like us ordinary humans. (Unless of course, he’s really an alien from another planet.) Isn’t it reassuring that rich boys also grow old so one day they will also face the operating table? Think of all the aging celebrities — plastic surgery can fake the appearance but their clocks still tick to their appointment with agonizing, excruciatingly painful death — just like the rest of us.

This hospital does about 64 colonoscopies a day. Yesterday, when I had mine, they had been doing over 70 for several days. Ka-ching! No wonder the facilities can afford to look so clean. No wonder there were so many personnel bustling about. That place was a beehive of activities. It was like I was in the middle of the soap opera General Hospital TV show – there was the pretty receptionist doing nothing but answer phone calls, the unkempt guy with the ruffled haircut pushing carts here and there, the respected all-knowing surgeon with the gray hair and glasses, the sweet caring nurse, the serious nurse who carried the weight of the world on her shoulder, and there were the guest stars — patients like me.

“When was the last time you ate solid food? Why? Didn’t you read the instructions?” said Nurse Serious.

“I’m so sorry for the wait,” said Nurse Compassionate. “There is one patient ahead of you … well, actually two … but don’t you worry, we’ll get to you eventually … I hope. Think positive! Would you like an extra blanket?”

“Hi I’m Doctor Colonoscopy. No, I can’t shake your germ infested hand. See the gray hair? See the tired eyes? You’re my 70th patient today. Relax! I’ve had 20 cups of coffee so I’m good … just goooood! A little shaky but none of my patients have died … yet! We’ll wheel you in now – Nya ha ha!”

“Hello Mr. Raoul, welcome to the operating room. Please lie on your left side. Smile for the camera! No need to be shy, I’m the guy from Beta Phi … I’m certified or hope to die! I’m the practicing doctor and we’re gonna have a fun time tonight! Nurse, crank up that funky music! Yeah baby! Get down tonight! Get down … get down .. get down … get down tonight!”

“Hello, I’m your nurse for today. And I’m just going to start the anesthesia and …”

The next thing I know, my wife is with me and the nurses are pushing us out of the hospital because I’m the last patient and they are anxious to go home.

When I get home, the world is still spinning around and I crash to bed. I sleep soundly for 5 hours … best sleep I ever had! I can’t wait to do this again! Not!

SERIOUS COLONOSCOPY TIPS
I was given written instructions but (men aren’t good with instructions so) I had to call to make sure I was doing things right. If you are planning to have a colonoscopy soon, and you’re as confused as I was with the instructions to prepare for the procedure, here’s my unprofessional medical advice.

You will be given a list of medications to buy. But the only one you really need is the Miralax (or Purelax or any of the other laxative brands). The goal is to ingest something to make you empty your stomach. Anything else beyond that is just to make it easier on you. Before I had a whole gallon of this absolutely yucky “coconut juice” I needed to drink — made me throw up and poop. This new procedure is better tasting. I didn’t throw up.

In the morning before my colonoscopy scheduled for 3:30pm, I didn’t eat anything solid the whole day. In a pitcher, I mixed eight laxative powder caps (using the bottle cap as a measure) with 2 half bottles of Gatoraid (preferably with zero sugar and not the flavor with a red dye). I had to consume the pitcher within an hour. I drank 3 whole pitchers in 3 timed intervals. (For me it was from 4pm, then 7pm and then 10 am the next morning which was the day of the colonoscopy). There’s a recommendation for Laxative pills (to soften the stool) and Gas-x (to relieve gas pain) but I don’t think they were necessary. The Purelax was good enough to flush everything out.

On the day of the operation, wear comfortable clothing, bring your Driver’s License and insurance card. Leave your wallet, rings and jewelry. You can bring your cell phone. You cannot come alone using Uber. You need a responsible adult to bring you there and take you home — warn that person to wait 3 to 4 hours. The actual probe only lasts 20 to 30 minutes but the hospital may overbook (like they did in my case). When they say you have to be there at 9:10. Be there by 9:10 — the prep time and wait time are already taken into account (in other words, no need to be there too early).

I hope you find this helpful. TGIF people!

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Quotes of the Week

“Laughter is the best medicine – unless you’re diabetic, then chocolate, insulin, crying, comes pretty high on the list.” — Jasper Carrott

“My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they’re in August.” — Ronnie Shakes

“I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor’s office was full of portraits by Picasso.” — Rita Rudner

“Nineteen percent of doctors say that they’d be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.” — Jay Leno

“After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: ‘No hablo ingles.'” — Ronnie Shakes

“I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done.” — Psalm 117:17

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” — John 10:10

Joke of the Week

Thanks to Art of Sierra Madre, CA

Parting Shots

Thanks to Art of Sierra Madre, CA

Thanks to James of Los Angeles, CA

Thanks to Barbara of Pasadena, CA

Thanks to Tom of Pasadena, CA

Thanks to Fred of Long Beach, CA

Thanks to Norm of Encino, CA

I found these:

My good friend (and jokester) Terry and I came up with these.

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