Dear Family: I have made an important New Year's resolution. This is to inform you that I will not be able to afford an expensive nursing home which would allow me to die poor and very old.

I pulled into the crowded parking lot to do my Christmas shopping and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.