Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. Started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

1. You BELIEVE in Santa Claus. 2. You DON'T believe in Santa Claus.

Did I read that sign correctly? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

I am writing from Tai Solarin University's guest motel room in Ijagun, Nigeria on a Wednesday morning. A ceiling fan helps with the muggy heat. Sometime around 10 pm they turn on the generator and we guests have air conditioner to give us a good sleep. This routine happens every day.

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when: 10. You get winded from knocking on the door 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you...

There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he unfortunately fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates, but St. Peter informed him of a mistake.

When discussing the drink labeled Screwdriver I was informed there's also one called Pile Driver -- prune juice and vodka. WHO COMES UP WITH THESE NAMES?