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Stuff That Make No Sense

Raoul’s Two Cents: February 3, 2023

Drop Your Pants

Are you easily embarrassed? Maybe you can relate.

After dinner last weekend, I attempted to get up from my chair but a stabbing pain ran down from my stomach to the front of my left thigh. I had to grasp the table to lift myself up ever so slowly. In two days, I was at the Urgent Care Facility waiting for a checkup with the doctor. I was surprised to see a female doctor. And I thought “no way is she going to check me down there!” Wasn’t there an unwritten rule that male patients only meet male doctors?

Just to be clear, I have no problem with Dr. Biren, my regular-cool-male doctor, when he asks me to drop my pants to check my colon. I’ve even gotten used to the strange sensation of being in prison with an enterprising inmate poking at my rear insides.

I know what you’re thinking: “Raoul, you’re such a prude.” I guess I am. No one touches (nor even sees) me down there except my wife and Dr. Biren. So this female doctor … this was different. Now you’re talkin’ invasion of privacy! I want my lawyer!

I waited for her command to drop my pants. But instead, she said “Can you lift up your shirt? Where does it hurt? Is it here below your left stomach?” She proceeded to poke my tummy like the Pillsbury doughboy.It was a game we played. We both knew it would be easier if I dropped my pants but she wasn’t going to give the order and neither was I going to volunteer and show my family jewels.

She checked my vitals, checked my breathing, made me cough, asked a few questions and in a few minutes the ordeal was over. She asked me for a small gift —- a urine sample. Now that, I could do.

In the bathroom I understood what my 2 dogs go through whenever I take them for a walk: “Go pee Tonka. Go pee Tinker.”  Like a good doggy I delivered the goods. Proud of myself. I walked out to my car but I knew this was a temporary freedom because I was due for an ultra sound the next day.

So there I was in the hospital Imaging Room … alone with a large female nurse named Helga. A movie reel rolls in my head: I refuse to go “commando,” so she wrestles me to the ground, calls for backup and five other hairy, burly women with moustaches enter out of nowhere, strip me naked and hose me down as I shriek — “You’ll never get me copper!”

“Mr. Pascual? Mr. Pascual? Sorry to interrupt your daydreaming but could you lie down on the examination bed, please? Could you unbuckle your belt, please?”

“Here we go again,” I shivered. “So this is when I drop my pants. This is when the world ends. Does she not know that my Johnsons are on a need-to-see basis only? The nerve! Where’s my lawyer?”

“Excuse me Mr. Pascual. You’re daydreaming again. No need to drop your pants. Just lower it enough so I can put this cold, gooey, yucky gel on your bloated little tummy. Good boy! Now let’s see if you’re pregnant.”

She probes but doesn’t see anything so she asks me to stand. Still nothing. She makes me cough. Nothing. She takes ultra sound pictures and says she will submit the evidence to the doctor. I walk out a free man. Hours later, I get the results: No hernia! Yay! But it appears the pain must be from my groin. In other words, I had to schedule with my regular doctor for the next step.

I know for sure he’ll have me drop my pants but I’m glad it’s going to be Dr. Biren — my cool-Indian-doctor. Never thought I’d say that. Stay tuned. Pants drop in select theaters mid-February. Tickets on sale now! Not!

TGIF people! Let’s remember to always keep our pants up! Save the planet!

Raoul

Joke of the Week

Thanks to Richard of New Manila, Philippines

Art by Raoul Pascual

Video of the Week

Thanks to Jay of Makati, Philippines who shared a sophisticated comedy about
spilling on the table and other day-to-day frustrations.

Click for All Your Pain in One Video.

Parting Shots

Thanks to Art of Sierra Madre, CA.

Thanks to Maling of New Manila, Philippines

I found these

My good friend (and jokester) Terry and I came up with these.

This cartoon is dedicated to Hannah and Otto.
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7 Comments

  1. Heather

    February 6, 2023 at 5:41 am

    Dear Raoul:

    Pain is a bugger for sure and seeing a doctor who isn’t your gender is tough for all of us, but until the recent past, it’s all women were examined by. You try lying on your back with your legs spread apart and put in stirrups! Humiliation to the max for sure especially if you’re giving birth!
    I hope whatever you have has a simple fix. When’s your appointment with your doctor? See you Monday if you’re better. Heather

    Reply

  2. Tom

    February 6, 2023 at 5:41 am

    Really like this issue as I am on my way to Keck USC. For a Cat Scan and Covid check for surgery next week. Funny when I first tried a scan my claustrophobia would cause fear of going into the tube. Now after many scans I am comfortable doing it.
    Same thing with blood draws and exams. One lady that draws blood is so funny ,you never feel the needle penetrate your vein.
    Thanks for getting me smiling this morning! Tom of Pasadena

    Reply

  3. Oscar

    February 6, 2023 at 5:42 am

    Good Morning Raoul, TGIF joke funny 😂lol. Hope you’re ok with physical. All mine have been with mostly female Doctors. One of my last times she wanted to check my colon but it never happened because I kept screaming and laughing every time she tried so she finally gave up and just went with a stool sample 😂😂😂 lol . Thank God because that felt weird lol. Hope all is well brother.
    Oscar

    Reply

  4. Noel

    February 6, 2023 at 5:42 am

    Funny funny again..

    Are you familiar with RJ? He has this weekly show, Bravo nights…in it, executives and regular joes come and sing aside from the regular guests..sponsored by Bravo..a male supplement..alam mo na for what purpose.
    .Ang catch phrase niya “Happy wife, happy life”..syempre when you use bravo, satisfied in bed yung wife daw or that is the theory (LOL)..Met him one day in Rockwell thru a mutual friend..Told him I watch his show pero I am disturbed by his happy wife yak yak..Ask ko , whatever happened to the “happy Husband”, is he a myth lang and does not really exist? His wife was there too and she asked what it was about …nakisakay lang so sagot niya parang ..”does not exist” and we all had a good laugh..Pag uwi nun baka sabihan si RJ..”bakit ka nagrereklamo sa ibang tao pa?” LOL!!

    Reply

  5. Hannah

    February 6, 2023 at 5:43 am

    We, of course, laughed at your postal worker joke. We sent it to our postal friends who also had a good laugh. We certainly need it on snow days when we deliver one piece of junk mail to a hard-to-get-at mailbox. But the show must go on….
    Thanks for brightening up a postman’s life.

    Hannah the Postwoman

    Reply

  6. Vijie

    February 6, 2023 at 5:44 am

    Wonderful Feb 3 TGIF Jokes

    They made my day.

    Don’t know why they seemed funnier than usual.

    Vijie in Taiwan

    Reply

  7. Tom L

    February 15, 2023 at 4:36 pm

    Last year’s annual physical started with a female Physician Assistant asking questions, reviewing prescriptions, taking my vitals, and examining my extremities. Then she left to get the doctor for “the rest of the exam”.

    They returned and both put on gloves. I asked if I should glove also. He said no, drop your pants. He examined the front side while explaining what he was doing, then told her to do the exam. As she began I asked “You’ve done this before?” She replied “No. This is my first” (she is in her 20s and married so I assume familiar with the area) and told the doctor what she felt. Then the doctor told me to get on the exam table and assume the position. We continued with the exam as above, him first, then her, while I groaned “Two for the price of one”.

    Several months later I was in for a blood test review. My doctor walked in with four PA’s just to get see my reaction.

    And you think your exam was tough. 🙂

    p.s.
    For the record, after a career in education and training, I told my doctor I am always willing to be of help.

    Reply

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