We all have a part of our lives we prefer not to visit again. Mine came when I was about 12. A traveling accordion salesman came to our house. I know, you think I am making this up. No, it was real. It happened. My parents were both home along with my younger sister and myself. It was a Saturday, a day that will live in infamy. The salesman only wanted a few minutes of our time and my parents let him in carrying a huge box with him. He said his music company was looking for local musical talent and opened that giant box revealing a black shiny accordion.

The woman was moved by the fiery preaching of their parish priest.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

"Dad are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

The other day I was thinking of a non-existent color.

You're an extreme redneck when... 1) You let your 14-year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

I snowed last night, so this morning... 8:00 am: I made a snowman.

"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?" - Benny Hill

Don't let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket.

Honey, do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing you?