A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

"Dad are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

The other day I was thinking of a non-existent color.

You're an extreme redneck when... 1) You let your 14-year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

I snowed last night, so this morning... 8:00 am: I made a snowman.

"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?" - Benny Hill

Don't let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket.

Honey, do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing you?

I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.

Dear God, my prayer for 2021 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body.