A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

"Dad are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

I’m a travel writer. Words are what I do. My stories may not always sing but I usually can put one word in front of another succinctly enough to craft a quasi-well-written article. But when I heard about the newly opened Planet Word in Washington, D.C., I was so excited, I had no words.

The other day I was thinking of a non-existent color.

You're an extreme redneck when... 1) You let your 14-year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

I snowed last night, so this morning... 8:00 am: I made a snowman.

"Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?" - Benny Hill

Don't let them take the temperature on your forehead as you enter the supermarket.

Honey, do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing you?

I'm as bored as an Amish electrician.