Betty was lying in bed one night. Don was falling asleep but Betty was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting..."

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

Every day whether I want to or not, I ask myself if I still have all my marbles. I had lots of them when I was young, but I kept them in a tiny little leather bag that I carried to school every day. Weather permitting, I would try to win someone else’s cat’s eye, boulder, shooter, biggie or aggie if I could.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Always remember you're unique...

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered: 1. Started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning. His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.