I am super pumped up. I organized a neighborhood “People and Pets Potluck Picnic” this Saturday and I'm expecting a lot of people. We’re having games (volleyball, badminton, bocce balls) and a Pack Walk (dog walk) around the block. It’s the first time we’re doing this. A million things can go wrong --- exciting! We have a lot of kids and dogs so it’s gonna be chaos … fun chaos I hope. The neighbors will finally get to talk to one another. Our dogs will finally bark and smell each other.

"Dad are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

Some of you may not remember the old-time Jewish comedians: Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman and others. But some of us miss their kind of humor. Not a single swear word in their routines and you don't have to be Jewish to enjoy their jokes.

"Dear wife, thanks for making my life wonderful, you are my angel, thanks for making me worth living! You are great and wonderful."

The bidding was proceeding furiously and strong at the auction house when the Head Auctioneer suddenly announced: “A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing ten thousand pounds. If returned, he will pay a reward of two thousand pounds.”

During a company's annual family trip to a crocodile farm in Thailand, the eccentric boss dares any of his employees to jump into the crocodile-infested pond and swim to the shore.

After more than 40 years of marriage, a woman's husband suddenly died. For several months she sat alone in her house with the shades pulled and the doors locked.

My wife apologized for the first time ever today.

Pharmacist to a customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription."

My wife thinks I don't respect her privacy enough.