Answers by Failed Students

September 29, 2017
The Checkup

Somehow my favorite hangout this past week has been the hospital. First it was my grandson and now it's me.

I visited my doctor (let's call him Frankie, last name: Stein as in Dr. Frankie Stein). This is my first time in years and he and I joke around. He remembers that I was the one who did not take his profession seriously. Don't get me wrong, I think there's a lot of good in western medicine. It's just that people refer to their office as a "practice." Somehow that term does not exude confidence and the word "Ooops!" comes to mind.

I tell him I don't really need anything ... that I am there because my wife made me do it. That doesn't faze him. I'm guessing he's heard that macho story before. So he asks if I have had a flu shot.

"Nope."
"Do you want one?"
"How much is it?"
"It's covered by your insurance."
"Okay, I'll take one."
"Did you have a rabies shot?"
"Nope."
"Do you want one?"
"How much?"
"It's covered."
"Sure. I'll take two!."
"Sorry, you only need one."
"Shucks!."

He smiles and leaves the room. His assistant, "Igor," comes in with two needles. (No kidding, he walks with a limp and is a little hunched at the back).
"Left arm? Right arm? Both? Where do you want the shots?"

Big decision for something so unnecessary. I volunteer my left for both. I'm fidgeting with my cell phone the whole time.
"Wow! You didn't even flinch Mashhhtaahhh!" exclaims Igor.

We Macho Men don't waste energy with mosquito bites like that. I pretend to be bored. I feign a yawn..

And then I remember my trip to Nigeria this December and ask if there are any shots I need for that. Doctor Frankie comes back in and we get into this lively conversation about 3rd world countries and his old dissertation paper about genetically altering trees so malaria-borne mosquitoes would be eliminated. He claims it's so simple but nobody is interested to do anything about it because of this grand Drug Industry Conspiracy. I almost strangle him into going into cahoots with me and my Rotary organization to save the planet --- but he just laughs. I don't think he ever takes me seriously. I wonder why.

Igor, salivating with pure joy, gives me a third shot for Nigeria. As I am leaving Doctor Frankie (my potential business partner) is laughing. I wonder why.

By night time my left arm, the one that took all those shots, is burning and I can't even lift it. I imagine a million anti-malaria agents are in mortal combat with my white blood cells. I imagine Dr. Frankie all excited in his living room shouting --- "It's alive! It's alive!" I endure the paralysis and debilitating pain for several days. Now I know why my evil doctor was laughing.

Are you planning to have a check up? Take my advice ---just don't!
Remember, it's just a "practice!"

TGIF people!

Every time you eat or drink, you are either feeding disease or fighting it.
--- Anonymous

Answers of Failed Students
Contributed by Tom of Pasadena, CA

Q1 In which battle did Napoleon die?

*His last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

*At the bottom of the page

Q3 River Ravi flows in which state?
*Liquid

Q4 What is the main reason for divorce?

*Marriage

Q5 What is the main reason for failure?
*Exams

Q6 What can you never eat for breakfast?

*Lunch & dinner

Q7 What looks like half an apple?
*The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
*Wet

Q9 How can a man go eight days without sleeping?

*No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

*A one hand elephant to find --- you never will.

Q11 If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

It's Karma
Contributed by Lois of Whittier, CA

This is a funny anecdote that really happened to Lois.

A long time ago, an acquaintance of mine said she hated redheads. So what happened? She had four kids, all redheads. It's Karma.

One of my pet peeves is when women's bra straps are showing. When I see this, I say "Tsk, tsk, tsk. That looks indecent." Well, two days ago I renewed my driver's license. When I saw the photo that will go on the license, I was shocked to see --- you guessed it --- my bra straps are showing.

So for the next five years, I'll be staring at that photo with me looking "indecent." It's Karma, I tell you. Besides the bra straps, is it a good photo, you ask. it's an awful photo, but that's no surprise. Driver's License photos are supposed to be awful.

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