If I Die First

My wife has these days when she wants us to "talk about things."

We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my turn I asked her, "What will you do if I die before you?"

Rules for Sons

[Not a joke for the most part but good practical wisdom]

1. Never shake a man's hand sitting down.
2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain't one.
3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.
4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

Now That I Am Older

NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:

1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.

Four Stages of Santa

1. You believe in Santa Claus.

Why Sentence Structure and Punctuation Are Important

Did I read that sign correctly?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER
PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Greetings From a Village in Nigeria

I am writing from a university motel room in Nigeria on Wednesday morning. A ceiling fan helps with the muggy heat. Sometime around 10 pm they turn on the generator and we have air condition to give us a good sleep. This happens every day.

Theater Seats for a Senior

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

Immutable Laws

Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Senior Dating

Denture Referral

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures in the morning.

Senior Halloween

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you...

Contractor Goes to Hell

There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he unfortunately fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates, but St. Peter informed him of a mistake.

Naming Puns

When discussing the drink labeled Screwdriver I was informed there's also one called Pile Driver -- prune juice and vodka. WHO COMES UP WITH THESE NAMES?

Answers by Failed Students

Unfaithful Wife

"A man goes to a shrink and says,"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men."

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